Utility bills have been rising sharply in recent months. But don't despair this winter. Here are a few things you can do if your heating bills are going through the roof.
1) FREEZE TO DEATH
The most straightforward solution is to simply freeze to death. It's surprising
how many people who complain about rising energy costs haven't considered this
simple step. The beauty of this solution is that it costs nothing and you don't
have to do anything: just sit back and relax with the window open and all your
energy worries will soon be a thing of the past.
2) INSULATE YOUR LOFT WITH LAYABOUTS
There are literally billions of layabouts in this country with nothing better to
do than smoke fags and watch Jeremy Kyle. Why not put them to good use by having
them layabout in your loft, thus providing excellent cheap insulation.
3) KEEP A COW IN YOUR LIVING ROOM
In medieval times the peasant classes would keep their livestock indoors during
the winter to heat their homes. If you're feeling a bit chilly this winter why
not bring back this ancient peasant tradition? Of course, unlike the peasants of
yore, most of today's lower classes can't afford livestock, but this needn't be a
problem; a low cost alternative is to rent a couple of jobseekers and have them
dress up as a pantomime cow.
4) BECOME RICH
In case you haven't considered it before, a good way to stop worrying about
energy bills is to simply not be poor. It's amazing really that so many poor
people haven't thought of this. All you need to do is inherit large amounts of
money or land, or become a banker or company CEO. Energy problems solved!
5) SET FIRE TO SCROUNGERS
One of the reasons fuel bills are rising so fast is the high price of things that
burn, like gas and oil. But there is plenty of available free fuel in the form of
people who are too lazy to do anything useful - because they're disabled and
things like that - so stop worrying about those fuel bills. Just sit back and
throw another scrounger on the fire.
With simple measures such as these you can help keep the cold at bay and stop
worrying about rising energy bills.